


texts jeremy never got to see

by ghoststoriesandothershit (orphan_account)



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Gay, Implied Sexual Content, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, M/M, Pining, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Texting, gay christine, i love him sm, im gay, im too tired to format this so ill do it later, in case that bothers you! i can only write gay people im sorry, lok at me neglecting my other stories for.... new fandoms..., michael is... so good n soft...., michaels gay, post squip, pre squip, this fic doesnt talk abt it but u can pry short fat michael from my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2018-11-14 00:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11196954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ghoststoriesandothershit
Summary: [Player One]: hey i kno uve been rlly busy all day so like. no pressure![Player One]: buts its three am and I'm having Feelings.[Player One]: of a romantic calibre





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Me, experiencing feelings of a romantic calibre: huh,,,, maybe i should... try to resolve these  
> me: *writes this instead*
> 
> i originally intended to continue this but only if people want, you know the drill. xxox im gay and dying

[9:12 AM]

[Player One]: Ughhhh im so bored

[Player One]: Ofc you had to be sick today. and ur too sick to even text

[Player One]: I cant believe you left me here alone

[Player One]: Just bc your sick. fuck u jeremy you furry bastard

[Player One]: ok im sorry lol im just.

[Player One]: SO

[Player One]: BORED

 

[9:36] 

[Player One]: Ok. Toes made of tiny dicks or your dick is a giant toe

[Player One]: and you can still jerk off you horndog asfgeimkl lmao

[Player One]: but you come out of the toenail

[Player One]: nevermind this is less enetertaining and more disturbing.

 

[9: 39]

[Player One]: I hate biology.

 

[11: 10]

[Player One]: GUESS WHO WENT A WHOLE HOUR WITHOUT TEXTING YOU YEAAAA BOIIIIIIIIII

[Player One]: CODEPENDENT WHO?

[Player One has deleted a message.]

[Player One]: But it is break now and I am BORED

 

[12:42]

[Player One]: you know whats a good song?

[Player One]: diet soda society

[Player One]: take me on dates and tell me to shut up when i infodump abt psycology lma

[Player One]: take me on dates full stop

[Player One has deleted a message.]

[Player One]: dude i gotta admit its weird knowing you're not gonna read all of this

[Player One]: I could spill my darkest secrets right now and no one would know

[Player One]: I could send nudes

[Player One]: I could uhhhh

[Player One]: I can't really think of anything

[Player One]: oh wait

[Player One]: Hey, Jeremy! I think you're the best thing in this entire stupid world! Can I suck your dick?

[Player One has deleted a message.]

[Player One]: HSDHSHSDJSHUEKD 

[Player One]: WHY DID I THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA

 

[1:34]

[Player One]: OMG YOULL NEVER GUESS WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED ASDDG EECDKKS JC;

[Player One]: OK

[Player One]: So i was at lunch and just chillin on my own. no biggie

[Player One]: i wasnt lonely or anything

[Player One]: asdfghjkls sorry lmao i know youre having a worse time than me rn

[Player One]:  Oookay so. im at lunch and that jock guy heads over? the stupid one who always wears red. and he's smirking in the way that he obviously thinks makes him look cool (SPOILERS: It doesn't.) and he leans over the table and he's like. "so, how's it in f-word central?"

[Player One]: like, not fuck

[Player One]: the slur.

[Player One]: And I'm like, trying not 2 start trouble, you know? I'm just a sweet little boy, I don't deserve this?

[Player One]: So I just go, "oh, you know, pretty good? I'm just a bit sad w/out my best bud :,("

[Player One]: (okay maybe I stammered a little but shhh i was PAINFULLY sober and you know i get nervous you fuck)

[Player One]: and he

[Player One]: asdnfufklnei  im still laughing

[Player One]: He's like "Cute, headphones. Anyway, got a serious question for ya.'

[Player One]: And I'm like... ok? fire away? I'm 999999% sure this is a prank?

[Player One]: And he leans real close and goes...

[Player One]: "Who's the bottom?"

[Player One]: IM GONNA

[Player One]: I cHOKED ON MY GODDAMN SLUSHIE I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE IMPALED IN THE THROAT WITH AN ICE FLAKE

[Player One]: I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE SHIT BUT I WASNT PREPARED

[Player One]: anyway, everyone laughed at me.

[Player One]: So like, just as a heads up, that may be a thing that people say when you get back to school.

[Player One]: ...Sorry.

[Player One]: But I reckon it should be good if we just laugh it off! It'll probably die out pretty quick!

 

[A week later]

[Player One]: okay dude i am SO SORRY about your pneumonia but did you REALLY have to infect me?

[Player One]: ugh

[Player One]: im gonna be so mad when we're both healthy again jsyk.

[Player One]: Also.

[Player One]: uh, since you've been away so long, the whole... sex thing has kinda died down.

[Player One]: so thats good!

[Player One]: and sicne you dont have to  

[Player One]:deal w it

[Player One]: im just gonna delete all evidence of myc hsame! :)

[Player One]: **sha eme

[Player One]: **Shame

[Player One has deleted the history of this chat.]

[Player One]: oh

[Player One]: wheooops

[Player One]: tbh im not feeling great i can totally see wgt u ddint textts me

[Player One]: im gonna stake a nsooze

[Player One]: **take

[Player One]: love ud

[Player One]: FUCK

[Player One has deleted the chat.]

 

[A month, roughly.]

[Player One]: hey i kno u havent replied all day so ur probably not in the mood

[Player One]: wait that sounded rlly passive aggressive

[Player One has deleted two messages.]

[Player One]: hey i kno uve been rlly busy all day so like. no pressure!

[Player One]: buts its three am and I'm having Feelings.

[Player One]: of a romantic calibre

[Player One has deleted one message.]

[Player One]: fuck

[Player One]: i know where meant to tell each other everything

[Player One]: **we're lol

[Player One]: but

[Player One]: have you ever just

[Player One]: not been satisfied with your lot in life?

[Player One]: even though you've got it pretty good?

[Player One]: scratch that, you ended up with something great and the only thing that could ruin it is yourself?

[Player One]: like,

[Player One]: fuck

[Player One]: godfuckingshit you know it anyway?

[Player One]: you complain about christine so much. you always seem so pained by it, dude, like it's gonna break you into pieces evry time she smiles at you

[Player One]: yu have NIO DDUCCKING CLUE

[Player One]: god do you shvae any idea the shit i have to put up with all the time? im always sod sad even when im not ment to be. im hanging out with my best bud and al i can think about is how much you like her and how much of an jidiot i am

[Player One]: because its highschool, isn't it? ur gonna move on and its not like ur gonna marry her and ill.

[Player One]: fuck.

[Player One]: i keep telling myself itds just a crush right? im gay and ur my best friend and ur pretty dand cnice and smart

[Player One]: but i remember looking at u when i was a kid and thinking: 'im gonna kiss him one day'

[Player One]: and i never did?

[Player One]: haha fuck

[Player One has deleted today's history.]

 

[Only a few days after that.]

[Player One]: You know what's the worst part? Im still so happy when Im with u.

[Player One]: I nedver knew i could be so upset and so content like holy shit?

[Player One]: Like today? We were just laughing and I could see your eyes crinkle and I was so happy like "im gonna spend my life watching him get laugh lines"

[Player One]: and then immediately i was ldike that's stupid, right? we're just friend.s its a crush. you'll move on. we'll probably grow apart after college

[Player One]: god im gonna d miss yu whend you lveav

[Player One]: but then i thoguht "at least i have him now?'

[Player One]: and evrerything kinda. 

[Player One]: Went soft again.

[Player One]: like I could swearr i saw the light hturn yellow

[Player One]: it played n ur face so gent

[Player One]: Okay wow that's.... tragically gay ksdhcwpeocmu lfa;deinfg'

[Player One]: Im texting u now? about being in love w you?

[Player One]: And youre sleeping against my side?

[Player One]: And it hurts so much?

[Player One]: it should hurt, right?

[Player One]: but i'm so fucking happy

[Player One]: I love loving you, Jeremy.

[Player One]: I just wanna....

[Player One]: okay whOA ITS NEARLY SIX I NEED TO BE UP IN AN HOUR

[Player One]: I should probably try to get some sleep now.

[Player One]: No, this is not an awkward coverup. You don't even know I'm texting you.

[Player One]: ....actually now i feel creepy.

[Player One]: Gnight, Jeremy.

[Player One has deleted the last hour's history.]


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long time no see guys! dont mind me, just working out my feelings through fictional characters lmao

[9:12 PM]

[Player Two]: Hey you heard that new selena gomez song?

[Player One]: yesssssssss

[Player One]: its so good omg

[Player Two]: Haha, I thought you'd like it :P

[Player One]: bc its gay?

[Player Two]: Gay alt music, yeah

[Player One]: i mean youre not wrong

[Player Two]: dork <3

[Player One]: ur the dork <3

[Player One]: but seriously its SUCH  a good song.

[Player One]: i put it on my mood playlist almost immediately

[Player One]: uh

[Player Two]: WHOA OKAY YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE?

[Player Two]: I thought you were all "nah im chill being single, teen relationships never last anyway"????????

[Player Two]: How come you didn't tell me? 

[Player Two]: I mean! You don't have to tell me about everything and I totally get that you might want privacy but. I'm so down to listen to you talk about your love life dude1

[Player Two]: God knows I owe it to you after all the Christine biz

[Player One]: lmao, you definitely do.

[Player One]: but seriously, dont worry. its just kind of a general gay vibe? 

[Player One]: i mean it might be kinda hard to get cos ur straight,, but theres like this thing?

[Player One]: im always thinkin abt how im gay and i cant say anything abt it

[Player Two]: Oh ok!

[Player Two]: But you're sure you don't have a crush OwO

[Player One]: Do Not Furry Face At Me, Jeremiah Heere

[Player Two]: ;3c

[Player Two]: Hold that thought! i gotta get back to rehearsal

[Player One]: have fun lover boy!!!!!!!!!

[Player Two]: I will haha, christine's super excited about this play.

[Player Two]: But while im away you have a super great chance to tell me about ur hypothetical crush

[Player One]: ill hypothetically think about it

[Player Two]: Hey, love you Michael.

[Player Two]: Gtg!

[Player One]: i love you too

[Player One]: but you're so goddamn dumb HSDDFHSHFKJNGHSNK

[Player One]: G od.

[Player One has deleted two messages.]

 

[The next Saturday]

[11:24 AM]

[Player One]: hey u coming over for viddy games 2day?

 

[11:46 AM]

[Player One]: srry i forgot you had that date with christine

 

[11:49]

[Player One]: Hope ur having fun!

 

[12:07]

[Player One]: i hate you and i hate your girlfriend

 

[12:31]

[Player One has deleted a message.]

 

[A few weeks later]

[Player Two]: Hey are you coming to careers day?

[Player One]: absolutely fucking not i dont want to think abt my future

[Player Two]: Okay no worries! Just keep your grades up so we can get in a good school :3

[Player One]: love you.

[Player Two]: Two player game, buddy. I'm not going anywhere.

[Player One]: Not again?

[Player One has deleted a message]

[Player Two]: What was that?

[Player One]: a rlly innapropriate comment abt ur porn history that i decided was too low brow

[Player Two]: I hate you.

[Player One]: lov u too.

 

[A couple days after that.]

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: jeremy's worried about you bud

[Player One]: hes always worried about me.

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: yeah, but

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: ok that was an excuse

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: im worried about you and not in a casual 'concerned for my friends' kinda way. you seem to be really unhappy lately

[Player One]: WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER WITH ME

[Player One]: worry about someone whos actually in trouble, rich, im fine!

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: is it depression?

[Player One]: no! if it was i would talk to my moms and my therapist. 

[Player One]: im fully aware depression is a bad thing and i wouldnt be saying i was ok if i was genuinely struggling, ok?

[Player One]: i know it seems like ive got a lot of bad coping mechanisms, but im doing better now. im actually pretty okay.

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: then what's up?

[Player One]: i dont want to talk about it.

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: im not gonna spill dude

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: but i totally understand why you might struggle to trust me

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: but there are loads of other people who are really concerned about you

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: talk to jeremy about it, please?

[Player One]: hahahahahahahaha

[Player One]: Absolutely Not

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: brooke? christine?

[Player One]: jesus, christine would be even worse

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: michael, cmon

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: i dont care if its a stupid problem. even more reason to talk about it before it becomes a big thing, right?

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: depression aside, we all have shitty sad stuff happening and we all feel like we're overreacting and thats okay.

[Player One]: howd you get so wise

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: lotta therapy after the squip

[Player One]: fair.

[Player One]: i dont want to make anyones life more difficult.

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: heavy secret?

[Player One]: the heaviest.

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: ok, time for a bro to bro talk ok?

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: i like you a lot michael. i think youre a really funny and cool guy, and you're always fun to hang out with

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: you've always been nice to me even after all the shit i did

[Player One]: wasnt your fault

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: and it wouldnt have been your fault if it was too hard for you to be friends with your bully.

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: whatever, my point is that? im totally willing to take a hit for you, dude.

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: i wont tell anyone or do anything if you dont want me to, and if it makes my life a little more difficult? i can deal. ive got a pretty sweet gig going currently, a couple shared burdens wont bring me down

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: and secrets are always less heavy when you share them!

[Player One]: i've been in love with jeremy since i was seven years old and i sprained my ankle and cried and he told me he always wanted to be there to look after me, and i dont know what to do. i feel so angry and upset every time i see him with christine and its so unfair because christine is so sweet and nice and i hate being mad at her. it makes me feel like the worst cliched gay guy and ive tried so hard to get over him but i cant and i come close to telling him every fucking day but i never do because reality always hits me in the face and im so goddamn sad about something i never should have even expected to have, but theres always a niggling hope that he'll get over her and realize he likes me instead and i hate it i hate him for being so oblivious and i hate myself for expecting him to want me back

[Player One]: im hteh fucing swrost

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: its okay dude

[Player One]: nno its fuckign not

[Player One]: he beevrver asksned for mme to like ghim

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: hey hey michael

[Player One]: ehe jst wabts a friedn who doesnt exprenct antyyhting from him  and f i gcant even dfod htat

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: im with you

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: jesus ok.

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: not to steal ur limelight or anything lmao but ive had a crush on jake since freshman year

[Player One]: wwait hwat

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: big gay crush

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: part of the motivation for getting a squip and. jesus thats ironic now i look back on it

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: anyway yeah lol im super bi for jake

[Player One]: oh

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: also you doing ok?

[Player One]: yeah i just crytype a lot bc i cry a lot

[Player One]: and i shake a lil when i cry+ glasses n tears are nto great for seeing

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: are you still crying?

[Player One]: just a little bit. id ragged myself out to protperly comfort u.

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: hey i came here to comfort u

[Player One]: you did

[Player One]: i feel a lot better now

[Player One]: seriously, thanks.

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: hey, any time.

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: and im also down for talking abt unrequited gay crushes together any time

[Player One]: lmao mood

 

[Maybe a month or so later]

[2:06 AM]

[Player One]: hey im gonna tell jeremy lol

[tiny rich in the streets, big richard in the sheets]: wait what

 

[2:07 AM]

[Player One]: hey jeremy

[Player One]: i know ur sleeping right now and honestly thats the only reason i have the courage to do this.

[Player One]: ha

[Player One]: i really like you.

[Player One]: not in a friend way. for a really long time.

[Player One]: i think you're really wonderful and sweet

[Player One]: and you're honestly really handsome hhhhhhh you're so cute and good and i blush a lot when i think abt you

[Player One]: i just. i know you're only taking a break bc christine thinks shes gay. i know you still really like her. 

[Player One]: im super ok with that. i never assumed you'd like me back.

[Player One]: i just. idk. i hope for it a lot.

[Player One]: and i know the break's been pretty tough on you so i just thought. 

[Player One]: i dont want you to go back into your "im ugly and unlovable" phase when im so, stupidly in love with you.

[Player One]: you're so wonderful.

[Player One]: you know last time we had a sleepover? when we held hands while we watched that horror movie 

[Player One]: "most likely to die" or some shit

[Player One]: i was so happy, jere

[Player One]: thought i was gonna combust i was so warm and happy and i love you so much

[Player One]: and i just wanted to tell you.

[Player One]: ive been dealing with this for a while, so. no pressure. this doesnt change anything on my end.

[Player One]: I love you, and i mean that in a platonic way, and in a family way, and i guess in a romantic way too.

[Player One]: and i want you to know that.

 

 

[10:20 AM]

[Unknown number]: Hey Michael this is Jeremy! Sorry I wasn't in school this morning, I broke my phone.

[Unknown number]: But I've got a new one now! And this is me :3

[Unknown number]: Can you resend any important texts? (that means all of them, everything you say is important)

[Player One]: for the love of god.

[Player One has saved the number ******** as Player Two.]

[Player Two]: ??

[Player One]: *big, brave sigh*

[Player One has sent a screenshot!]

[Player One has sent a screenshot!]

[Player One has sent a screenshot!]

 

[10:25 AM]

[Player Two is typing...]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;3c
> 
>  
> 
> see you tomorrow kids...


	3. texts michael never got to see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lmao i am very sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so you know: christine is gay here, not aro. I originally wrote her to be aro but in the middle of it i realized i was just writing her as a lesbian and I don't have a good enough understanding of how aromantic people deal with discovering their sexuality to write it well. and as a gay man i might have fucked up the lesbian part too! but it's based off my friend's experiences with realizing they don't like men (with permission) and i've checked it with them. however, do tell me if something about it rubs you the wrong way.
> 
> also, jeremy gets into a very self-hating rant. skip "a few weeks after the squip incident" if you dont want to read that!

[Right back to the beginning.]  
[Player Two]: Fate is cruel and I hate everything!!!!!!!!!!!  
[Player Two]: I can't believe you got sick just after I got over my illness I mean come on?  
[Player Two]: We couldn't have gotten sick at the same time?  
[Player Two]: And it wiped me out for two weeks so after you get better that'll be a whole MONTH!!!!!!!!!!  
[Player Two]: God I already miss you, buddy!  
[Player Two]: I literally woke up and it was like. miraculous. I could breathe properly. My head was somewhat clear.  
[Player Two]: And the first thing I do is check my phone! Obviously!  
[Player Two]: And you have deleted our chat three times????  
[Player Two]: How did you even do that you dumbass??  
[Player Two]: At least I was smart enough not to fuck around on my phone while I was sick  
[Player Two]: But anyway. then I ask for you because I'm kinda worried and dad is like "I don't know. I don't know anything. Oh you're better? Good to see you're out of bed. I'm just gonna go back to bed now".  
[Player Two]: (Is it too much to ask that he at least. like. Pretends to care when I'm sick? I worry about him all the time and it feels like he never does the same.)  
[Player Two]: So I call your mom and she's like "Oh, Jeremy, I am so sorry."  
[Player Two]: And I was like "wow! okay! great! let me just go back to school on my own that's fine!!!  
[Player Two]: Not to guilt trip you though!!!!!!!!!  
[Player Two]: Take your time getting better I can flounder through school on my own for a couple of weeks!  
[Player Two]: And I made you do it too so it's only fair.  
[Player Two]: I just miss you a lot, yknow?  
[Player Two]: It's already been weeks.  
[Player Two]: EVEN if I was super confident and popular at school I'd still want you there!  
[five minutes later]  
[Player Two]: Is this a gay time to tell you I love you?  
[Player Two has deleted a message.]

[A month after that.]  
[Player Two]: I hate it when you delete messages. It makes me so fucking anxious.  
[Player Two]: You deleted ALL of yesterday's history!!!! what were you talking about???  
[Player Two]: Did I do something?  
[Player Two]: I woke up this morning and I get a notification  
[Player Two]: and i go so, so excited because it was the little coin sound from mario and i know that means its you texting me.  
[Player Two]: But!!!!!! it's so dumb to get excited by that because you're the only person who texts me anyway?? Why am I always so excited to talk to you? Why do I wake up every morning and just breathe and smile and know that today is going to be hard and I'm barely scraping by, but I get to see you. It's like sunshine.  
[Player Two has deleted two messages.]  
[Player Two]: So I go to check my phone and I have fifty message notifications but when I open up the app all it says is "Player One has deleted today's history" and it's like getting punched in the gut!!!  
[Player Two]: But like. I'm not going to call you out on it!!!!!  
[Player Two]: Because that would be hypocritical. Because you aren't going to see these messages.  
[Player Two]: I'm not even writing this to you. I'm typing out a fake, one-sided conversation in an empty google doc and when I'm done I'm going to delete it all and pretend I sent it.  
[Player Two]: And then I'm going to freak out next time you text me before I remember I didn't actually put our friendship at risk.  
[Player Two]: It's not your fault.  
[Player Two]: I delete messages too.  
[Player Two]: God, we are both way too codependent.  
[Would you like to save your document before closing?]  
[Yes] [Absolutely Not]  
[Absolutely Not.]

[Only a few days after that.]  
[Player Two]: Are you aware I can see that you've deleted a message?  
[Player Two]: Because I can.  
[Player Two]: And spending three hours texting me stuff while we're in the same room and I'm asleep and then deleting it is super suspicious, Michael.  
[Player Two]: Uggggh.  
[Player Two]: You give me a lot of weird messages sometimes.  
[Player Two]: Maybe that's why I'm so fascinated by trying to figure you out?  
[Player Two]: Maybe I'm bullshitting myself.  
[Player Two has deleted the last hours history.]

[A few weeks after the squip settles down, a little after midnight, thursday.]  
[Player Two]: I don't think I'm ever going to get over what I did to you???  
[Player Two]: Even now I keep making it about myself! Fuck!  
[Player Two]: I just! I keep thinking about how I would feel if you abandoned me like that.  
[Player Two]: I have nightmares where  
[Player Two]: I have a lot of nightmares.  
[Player Two]: In some of them, you die in the fire.  
[Player Two]: In some you're crying, and I try to comfort you but you only cry harder and harder until i realize it's my fault.  
[Player Two]: In some of them we're at the play and it's you instead of christine.  
[Player Two]: Either I save you or I give in and either way I wake up crying.  
[Player Two]: See!  
[Player Two]: I'm still so selfish!!!  
[Player Two]: I don't know how to tell you I'm sorry without repeating those words again or spilling my own feelings all over you!!  
[Player Two]: It wasn't you!  
[Player Two]: It wasn't christine!  
[Player Two]: i didn't get the squip because of her or because of you or because of rich or because of my dad  
[Player Two]: i got it because i hated myself so much and i wanted to be better.  
[Player Two]: i got it because i was already living so many lies i figured pretending to be cool would only be one more.  
[Player Two]: i got the fucking squip because i was being bullied by people who are now my friends! and because i was so achingly lonely and even though you were good and kind and clever and empathetic and everything i ever wanted or will want in a friend, you couldn't be everyone you needed to be  
[Player Two]: because i watched you drive yourself crazy trying to fix my own problems and trying to look after me. and you did an amazing job and yeah! for a long time you were pretty much the only thing keeping me alive!  
[Player Two]: but that's such an unfair thing to dump on you. i cant make you that person.  
[Player Two]: i need more friends. i need you to know you're not just my friend because you're the only person who can stand me.  
[Player Two]: the truth of all of this mess is that i hated myself. and i still do, but now i have access to a therapist, and my dad is being my actual dad, and there are people (plural) that care about me.  
[Player Two]: i forgot where i was going with this.  
[Player Two]: i think  
[Player Two]: i think i'm getting better  
[Player Two]: but im making other people worse.  
[Player Two]: i hurt you and i am about to hurt christine because i forced my desperate heterosexual feelings onto her. and now we're dating and all I can think about is you!  
[Player Two]: and that's unfair to you both.  
[Player Two]: but at this point im caught up in so many lies i dont know how to fix it.  
[Player Two]: i thought one more lie couldn't make anything worse but it did. oh boy it did.  
[Player Two]: but ill fix it, in time.  
[Player Two]: im going to stop dragging you down, michael. im going to be better.  
[Player Two has deleted today's history.]

[The day after.]  
[Player Two]: i fucked up i fucked up i fUCKED UP SO BAD  
[Player Two]: GOD IM THE WORST  
[Player Two has deleted two messages.]

[A week later.]  
[Player Two]: Who the fuck do you have a crush on and why am I so upset about it  
[Player Two]: Google dot com how to stop being jealous and also the worst friend ever  
[Player Two has deleted two messages.]

[That saturday.]  
[Player Two]: I didn't have fun it was painfully awkward! By about an hour in I wanted to die!  
[Player Two]: Fortunately it was only bad on my half!  
[Player Two]: Christine is so sweet and nice and fuck. I wish I had a crush on her so much.  
[Player Two has deleted a message.]  
[Player Two]: I'm sure I'll get more confident later on, though! I just really want to impress her.

[A few weeks later.]  
[Player Two]: I saw it.  
[Player Two]: I didn't know how to respond.  
[Player Two]: I'm sorry. I'd give anything to make you happy again.  
[Player Two]: I'm so sorry.  
[Player Two has deleted the last hour's history.]

[About a month from that.]  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: Jeremy there's something I've been thinking about for a while. And I really- First off I want you to know that it's not you! I think you're amazing and i like you a lot! You always make me laugh and smile and I think you're very handsome :) So it's not you! Oh geez, by this point you've probably figured it out because you're a pretty smart guy so I'm just going to say it! I think I might be a lesbian and I think I would much rather hang out as friends than date. I like you a lot! I love spending time with you! And you make me feel shy and safe and I value you so, so much as a friend, and I get excited whenever I think about hanging out with you! Like, butterflies all in my tummy! But I also get that with my other friends. Just a bit more with you! And I think. I think I just want to be best friends and I care about your opinion of me and I want to hug you and share my food with you but only in a friend way. I don't really like kissing or holding hands with you and I get really nervous when I think about dates. I thought it was in a happy, butterflies way, but I've figured out it's not. I don't think I like dating you and I don't think I want to date any boy. I just... I really like girls. A lot. And I thought maybe it was a friend thing but I had everything so muddled up and I think I only want to be friends with boys. So, I think it'd be best if we take a break for a bit? I still want to be friends though! I like you so, so much, Jeremy! I want to hang out with you a lot but I really haven't been enjoying any of the romantic parts of our dates. And it's not you, again!!! So, I just wanted to check. Are you okay with taking a break?  
[Player Two]: Oh whoa  
[Player Two]: First off, Christine, my opinion doesn't matter! If you want to stop dating, we stop dating. if you want to take a break, we do.  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: I know, I know, I just really don't want to hurt your feelings!!  
[Player Two]: Your happiness matters more than me being a little hurt  
[Player Two]: Second, I think it's great that you're figuring yourself out, and I'm glad I could help even if I didn't do anything :3  
[Player Two]: Third, I kind of also... have a similar thing  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: What's that? :0  
[Player Two]: Owo what's that?  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: Jeremy I'm breaking up with you  
[Player Two]: Is it because I'm a furry  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: *glances sideways and stays quiet*  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: But seriously, what?  
[Player Two]: Ok. I have never told anyone this in my life and I'm only telling you because I really trust you. I value you a lot as a friend, too, Christine, and I think you're great, and as such know that you wouldn't hurt me.  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: Of course I wouldn't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
[Player Two]: I'm. bi? Pan? maybe?  
[Player Two]: I'm not sure but I like guys and I like Michael.  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: oh!!!!!!!!!!  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: I'm very proud of you!  
[Player Two]: Thanks?  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: It must have been hard to realize that!!  
[Player Two]: It was, yeah.  
[Player Two]: I spent so long trying to convince myself I was straight that I kind of... manufactured a crush around you  
[Player Two]: That sounds really bad oh my god  
[Player Two]: Just! You were always so nice to me, and you're clever and pretty and passionate, and I always thought... you were the person I wanted to be friends with. You were the person I wanted to be, you know?  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: Jeremy I completely understand and I'm not offended because I did the same thing with you!  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: You're very cute! And so sweet and funny and... genuine, and I loved it when we spent time together.  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: And then you sort of saved the day and asked me out and I thought  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: This is the boy, you know? This is the boy in all the movies. This is the boy in the story, and he'll take me on cute dates and be respectful and maybe he's secretly a fairy and will show me a magical new world, I don't know.  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: And I still think you are that boy. I just don't want a boy at all.  
[Player Two]: I'm really glad you came out to me, Christine.  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: You too, Jeremy!  
[Chris cross apple sauce]: You're not alone, okay?  
[Player Two]: Yeah. I know that now.


	4. the conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (feel free not to read this, it isnt important) hey guys, it's been a while huh? almost a fucking year lol. i genuinely didnt intend to leave this for so long but a mix of shit has been kicking my ass over the past year. im not sure if i'll pick up fanfiction again, but out of all my stories this is the one i wanted to conclude properly.  
> im a trans gay men with pretty severe anxiety and depression, and i've always seen myself in both michael and jeremy. this story was sort of. agh it's embarrassing but it's barely even fanfiction, it was more a way to sort of vent my feelings in a way that i knew people would hear while putting names on it so i could kind of pretend it wasn't mine.   
> being a gay teenager is really fucking difficult in a lot of ways, but honestly just finding a romantic partner is incredibly difficult. Even if you know other gay people there's a distinct pressure and pain put on you that makes it so difficult, and relationships you do manage to form are going to have some kind of anxiety.  
> nobody really talks about this aspect of being gay that much, but this sort of loneliness can be really fucking excruciating. it's natural to want romantic affection, and considering that it's hard to find anything that can sort of fill that mushy hole with gay literature, it's doubly awful. obviously you shouldn't make finding a relationship all important, but some people crave romantic connections, and it's so natural that it should honestly be talked about more. you need a variety of social connections in your life and lacking one that's important to you can be really hard.   
> to be honest, i found myself doubting i would ever end up in a relationship. i crushed for a while on a guy who- while being a really great person and honestly a super fun friend- didn't have any of the same romantic needs i did and i sort of. i liked him and i was willing to sacrifice that because it felt like my pool was so small. and i dont think this is at all an experience unique to other sga people.  
> long winded explanation aside............ i have a boyfriend now, someone i really care about and who really cares about me. we have the same interests but we also have the same desires within a relationship, and his presence in my life is honestly very reassuring. it is honestly normal to not date anyone in high school, and in fact im leaving it now so it barely counts, and it's normal to take a while to find someone you really like. but those people are out there and i *know* how hard that is to believe, but it's true. being gay is hard in every possible way, but there is love for us and it's good love. the loneliness is going to be somewhat inescapable, but you can lighten it. that's really why i wanted to come back to this. i wanted to give jeremy and michael a happy ending- or a happy beginning, i suppose, because i'm the author and i'm full of warm fuzzy feelings and i believe in true love.   
> and hey, if you have a crush at the moment, just tell them. if you really like someone, then they're probably a good person, and the worst is that it'll get awkward. but awkwardness is easy to combat!  
> stay in contact with your loved ones, create beautiful things, and open your heart a little more. i love every comment you have ever left me.

[10:26 AM]  
  


Player Two: i

Player Two: Fuck

Player Two: I know you're not joking but... you're not, right?

 

[Player One]: No.

[Player One]: I love you so fucking much, Jeremy.

[Player One]: like

[Player One]: god i just. i care about you so much. and you make me so happy. and i want to spend my whole stupid life with you and i dont know how to explain it any other way

[Player One]: i love you i love you so much you make my fucking chest ache

[Player Two]: Michael oh my god

[Player Two]: Fuck sorry I'm just

[Player Two]: How?

[Player One]: how couldn't i??????????

[Player One]: i could list reason after reason and i know you could match them all with flaws but it wouldn't matter. i know your flaws and i love the small ones as a part of you and i hate the big ones because they hurt you more than they hurt anyone else. and i will love you if you turn out to, idk, be into vore or something, and i will love you if you murder an innocent man although i will still report you to the police because you'd be a danger to society. and i'd rethink our relationship a lot and be miserable but id still come to visit you and i'd listen to your story and i would still love you

[Player Two]: Michael

[Player Two]: I love you but I don't want you to love me

[Player One]: and i still love you even though you are definitely a genuine furry like i can tell it's not a joke any more but it's fine because i bet your fursona is cute and i would do furry roleplay if you wanted to me jesus fuck i need to stop saying th

[Player One]: wait what

[Player Two]: IM NOT A FURRY.

[Player Two]: And. I love you.

[Player Two]: But I'm not good for you.

[Player One]: i would HIGHLY contest both those statements but im busy reevaluating my life

[Player Two]: Michael, I'm really not

[Player One]: you're so wonderful

[Player Two]: I hurt you and I forgot about you and I let myself be weak enough to lose you

[Player One]: tell me again?

[Player Two]: I'll never be able to make it up to you and it's all my fault a

[Player Two]: I love you

[Player Two]: I love you so much, Michael, I would shift the earth for you if you wanted me to.

[Player Two]: I want to wake up next to you and I want to bring you coffee in your classes and I want to kiss you. Fuck I want to kiss you so badly

[Player Two]: I want to have kids with you and I want to paint your face for pride and I want to fucking give you everything but i can't, michael 

[Player Two]: I made you so unhappy

[Player Two]: I ruined us

[Player One]: shut up.

[Player One]: that's just stupid

[Player One]: you didn't ruin anything. okay, yeah, you fucked things up for a while, but honestly, no one can blame you for what you did while the squip was around.

[Player Two]: I still did it

[Player Two]: I still hurt you

[Player One]: you have made me more happy than you have ever hurt me.

[Player Two]: But 

[Player Two]: You were so miserable

[Player One]: so were you.

[Player One]: you didn't want to hurt me. you were just trying to protect yourself and it backfired. and you made a mistake but we managed to get through it, and we're still friends.

[Player Two]: michael I

[Player Two]: Hang on

[Player Two]: I'm sorry.

[Player Two]: You're right that i didn't want to hurt you. But I still did, and for that I am so achingly sorry. I'm trying really hard to get better, and I think I'm making a lot of progress, but I'm scared I'll mess up again. And if I do, I don't want you to forgive me again.

[Player One]: i won't.

[Player One]: but you won't either.

[Player Two]: I'm sorry, Michael

[Player One]: i forgive you

[Player Two]: I don't deserve you.

[Player One]: whether or not you do

[Player One]: i want you.

[Player One]: if you really want to make me happy

[Player One]: you'll give us a chance?

[Player One]: i mean

[Player One]: fuck

[Player One]: if you want to

[Player Two]: Um

[Player Two]: I mean I'm already running super late for school so

[Player Two]: Do you wanna just

[Player Two]: Skip

[Player Two]: And talk about this?

[Player One]: yeah.

[Player One]: yeah, i do.

 

[9:00 PM that evening.]

[Player Two]: Fuck you were really brave today and we said we were gonna be more honest so. I just. I had a really nice time today. That sounds super cliche but it's true and I just. It was so easy to be with you. You make me so happy. 

[Player Two]: And it's probably too early in a relationship but I've been telling you I loved you for years so. I love you. As a friend and as family and as a boyfriend.

[Player One]: i think you mean boyf actually

[Player Two]: Oh my godddddddddddd

[Player One]: haha

[Player One]: I love you too

[Player One]: but yeah you're right 

[Player One]: i love you is fine but i think we should go slow

[Player Two]: Damn, and here I was convinced you'd put out and we could do that furry roleplay you were talking about /s

[Player One]: i knEW IT

 

[A few weeks later]:

[Player One]: jeremy you piece of shit i know you have my hoodie

[Player Two]: What's that sorry I can't see your messages

[Player One]: it's my comfort item you big dummy this is ableism

[Player Two]:Okay first of all: you have my cardigan

[Player One]: listen

[Player One]: listen

[Player One]: i need it

[Player Two]: Then I need your hoodie!!!!!

[Player One]: but your cardigan doesnt have floppy sleeves

[Player One]: how am i supposed to stim

[Player Two]: Pull your arms inside and go swoosh swoosh :3

[Player One]: ...............it's highkey really cute when you do that tbh

[Player Two]: You're my comfort item <3

[Player One]: awwww

[Player One]: seriously though im keeping your cardigan and i want the hoodie back

[Player Two]: Sorry I think my phone broke I can't see your texts

 

[A month later, after college letters have arrived and boarding applications have been made.]

[Player Two]: Hey Michael

[Player One]: yeah?

[Player Two]: Can I

[Player Two]: You won't regret this, right?

[Player One]: where's this coming from?

[Player Two]: I'm just

[Player Two]: Having an anxiety day I guess

[Player Two]: Will you still be in love with me in a year?

[Player One]: jeremy.

[Player One]: i love you deeply and utterly and whether or not my love lasts relies entirely on your actions

[Player One]: if you hurt me, i'll protect myself

[Player Two]: Fuck Michael I can't hurt you, I just want to keep you happy

[Player One]: then i'll still be here in a year.

[Player One]: and a year after that

[Player One]: and after that.

[Player One]: the only thing that will stop me loving you is if you stop loving me.

[Player Two]: Never. 

[Player Two]: Michael, never.

[Player One]: then stop worrying, my love.

 

[A couple months later]:

[Chrissy]: Heyyyyy babe, it's Jeremy. I may or may not have. Possibly. Lost my phone. I'm using Christine's at the moment so send any messages through her? I'll probably find my phone though! It's just going to be somewhere on the set. Love you!

[Player One]: i want to suck your dick

[Chrissy]: MICHAEL

[Chrissy]: IM AN INNOCENT LESBIAN I DONT DESERVE THIS

[Player One]: oh damn im so sorry

[Player One]: i thought jeremy was still on the phone

[Player One]: im so sorry christine

[Chrissy]: you are the WORST

[Player One]: i know, i know, i'm sorry

[Player One]: tell him i said that though, okay?

[Chrissy]: absolutely fucking not i hate you.

[Player One]: aww

[Player One]: surprise blowjob i guess then?

[Chrissy]: so my girlfriend wants to start roleplaying in the bedroom but like. lord of the rings roleplay. and i'm really into it, obviously, because it's acting, but i have no idea how we should start? like it just seems too embarrassing to begin? like i know that there's a lot of kinky dragon age dildos on amazon but do you think there's like dragon-y lingerie? because i've googled it but i can't find any.

[Player One]: oh my god

[Player One]: okay yeah im sorry i'll just

[Player One]: tell him i hope he finds his phone

[Chrissy]: <3

 

[A few more months]:

[Player One]: i think i have to admit it

[Player One]: i might 

[Player One]: possibly

[Player One]: maybe be allergic to cats

[Player Two]: OH NOW YOU ADMIT IT

[Player Two]: NOW IS THE RIGHT TIME HUH

[Player Two]: NOW THAT WE'VE ADOPTED THREE

[Player One]: look

[Player One]: i need them

[Player Two]: YOU ALSO NEED COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF ALLERGY MEDICATION

[Player Two]: I WOULDN'T EVEN MIND IF YOU JUST TOOK THE MEDICINE

[Player One]: but it tastes like hell

[Player Two]: IT'S BETTER THAN YOU SNEEZING ON MY DICK

[Player One]: i *said* i was sorry

[Player One]: well what do you suggest we just get rid of them??

[Player Two]: Absolutely Not.

[Player Two]: I can't believe you'd even say that.

 

[About a year into college.]

[Player One]: hey guess what

[Player One]: i'm still in love with you

[Player Two]: hey guess what

[Player Two]: i'm still in love with you too

[Player One]: my typing's rubbing off on you <3

[Player Two]: It's not the only thing :3c

[Player One]: oh my god i hate you.

[Player Two]: you love me

[Player One]: I love you.

[Player Two]: say it again?

[Player One]: I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and they lived happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> the shaky/non consistent texting pattern is michael's emotional state, not my own inadequecy  
> i cant spell inadequacy  
> wait nvm thats right  
> thanks spell check


End file.
